I have started this post about ten times now, I guess that is how my brain is working today. I feel as though I am on the spinny ride at the fair and my head just keeps turning round and around. Here and there being bashed against the seat as I am thrown around an unexpected turn.
I think I have seen better days.
Its not like I have legitimate reason to complain, my life is fine. I have the most wonderful parents in the world, I have a great family-with the exception of the times when the nine-year-old sweetheart turns into an angry animal and cusses like a sailor. Its as if some demon controls him when he is mad and it causes him to react completely irrationally.
I keep thinking about the saying, "he never said it would be easy... he only said it would be worth it."
and I believe that sometimes that is what keeps me going... the thought of something greater beyond this life.
At times I have found myself wondering... why can't I just be perfect? Why can't I just DO the things that I know I should do and be perfectly consistent about it? But then, all at once I remember Satan's plan and I pray to the Lord and thank him for my agency.
You guys, we have the power to choose... and because of that, everyday we have the opportunity to discover,create and become the child of God our Heavenly Father intended us to be.
It's a euphoric feeling, that day dreaming business.
Can I just say?... that I am completely caught up today?...
I awoke this morning at 5 in the am, showered and ran over to the neighbors home.
I got my things settled there, then quietly dozed on the most amazing-comfy couch I have ever experienced - trust me - its THAT good.
An hour and a half later I was quietly awakened by the noise of the adorable 3 and 5 year old's who live in the house. Their soft giggles brought a sweet awakening to me and all though it was 7-something in the morning I couldn't have been happier.
I don't know if it is because of a lack of sleep, or because I have been with the most wonderful children all day, but today has been quite an enchanted day filled with such wonderful day dreams.
These dreams, contain completely fantastic things.
I've thought of raising my own sweet children someday, and of taking the knowledge and examples I have had in my life of wonderful mothers and women and applying it to my life to become the best wifey and mother possible.
I've thought of decorating and designing my own house, my own kids rooms, and making clothes for them...... ah just talking about it gives me the warm fuzzies inside.. Can't wait my friends, I simply can not wait.
well off into more dreaming I go...
Listen to Capri by Colbie Caillat.... beautiful, I love it.
Tonight I went out with Dear Mother on her walk. Now, initially it was because I felt uneasy about her going alone. I believed that she would be much more safe with me there as sort of a body guard, right?... Yes. Well, not soon after mom and I ventured out in the warm summer night we began to talk...and with the talk quickly came up the topic of me and my anxieties toward my unpaved future.
Recently I have truly realized how plans can change. I have vented about it in previous blog posts and have done my best at continuing to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not unto my own understanding..." (proverbs 3:5-6) But today as I walked with mom I realized that it was what I needed all along. We talked about how I have always wanted to do something more creative. We talked about how much I loved fashion and fashion design... And little after little we talked through things and I feel that my future has some short of shaping to it now. I know what my plan is for the next few years and that is such a good feeling to Me.
I decided that I am going to finish up at the BC (LDS Business College) with my associates degree in General Studies and a lovely certificate in interior design. After that I am hoping to transfer to good ol Brigham Young University where I will possibly do a semester and then head right out to study abroad in Europe somewhere...(At this point I am planning on studying something artistic when i go abroad) I will completely enjoy myself in another country for a while then head back to cougar town where I will study rec management or something of the sort.
After BYU I will see where my life is.... Who knows I may be married. I may have a kid or two... So depending on the circumstances I I'll do what I gotta go. I could go back to the BC and actually major in interior design and receive a degree... Or I will start working with what I have. Some possibilities of career paths that i would just die over would be event planning - where I would work for big companies or for the community in planning big events and or parties... Or another option could be.... Well practically anything... Anyways.. Sorry about all the boring talk of my future, but it is completely thrilling to have some sort of idea or structure to my future.
So after a long walk and talk i think my verdict is..... I am SO grateful for my mom. Talking with her tonight was such a blessing and things finally started making sense... Oh how. A. Excited about my future... As for now, I must live for today. Doing the little things like prayer, journal, scripture, and temple are the things that are going to keep me on track to accomplishing all that I can in the future....
My dear friends.. It sure has been a while, hasn't it? It's amazing for me to sit back and watch life take its course. These past few weeks I have seen the lords hand in my life, and I feel truly blessing to have the gospel of jesus christ of latter day saints as such a big part of me. On and off for a while now I have felt tired and uninspired... Do you ever find yourself feeling that way? This past little while I have let so many other factors stand in the way and control my happiness. But just now I am realizing that with the changing of the world and the unsteadiness of the way, we can't afford to base our happiness on something that could fluctuate from one minute to the next.
Ive found that the only steady thing in my life is the gospel, because while friends are great... They cant always be there for you. No matter how much you need them or just long for them to know the very feelings of your heart...we can't expect them to ever completely understand or want to take time our of their busy life for you. I've realized now the teachings I have been taught that speak about finding in the Savior, Jesus Christ a friendship that is steady and unchanging. Christ suffered for our sins, for our pains, loneliness, and every other sad feeling we might have. He is constant, steady, sure...perfect. What more do we need than that? Through his sacrifice we can feel peace.
So here i am, wandering along he journey through life... Trying to patiently wait for an understanding to come on who and what I am supposed to be. Until then... I am going to work to get myself back on track in doing the simple things that we are told to do.
My dear friends, As a result of mine and dear friends Samentha's annual summer boredom... we have decided that we have had it with our flabby figures and wasted hours.... therefore today, on this very lovely summer day, we will construct the constitution of our summer... aka our summer BUCKET LIST.